my body.

I hate it. I hate my body. Every single inch of it ... there is NOTHING on my body that I like ... it sucks when I'm really in the mood for some loving ... and the boyfriend can't really do much to give it to me cause well ... he's bored of sex ... he's bored of the action of sex but he loves me and isn't bored of me ... I admit, the first time he told me that, I was crushed. My heart broke. It dropped. I had no more feelings for this guy that just told me he was bored of sex. It took me a while to understand ... he loves me ... but the action of sex bores him ... I guess because he's practically done everything already ... I just miss the feeling of someone touching me for the first time, so they're exploring my body ... he doesn't explore my body any more ... or at least I don't think he does ... all he really does is just fork me until I get off and then it's done ... gah. I despise being in a relationship with meaningless sex. I want hot, sexy, passionate, love-making sex ... it doesn't feel the same when both people are feeling two different things during intercourse ... it's just not the same. Making love and having sex are two completely different things ... I miss making love. I miss the passion ... I miss all of it ...

I want to go to a swingers party. We've done something similar to it before ... but I want to go to an actual party. I want someone to be curious about my body and just explore. I want someone to treat my body like it's worth something ... I want someone to just ... appreciate my body ...

I just want to be appreciated. That's all.

One more chance.

Today was the first day of school. My fire boy and I did not get back from our little Vegas trip until around 5am in the morning ... oh man ... that has got to be THE most scariest thing I ever went through ... We drove through snow in my little put put ... poor car. Luckily, the boo is a good enough driver to get us back home safely. We needed that Vegas trip. It didn't matter that we were broke and that we slept on the floor ... what really mattered was that we were able to share the end of 2010 as well as the beginning of 2011. The Vegas trip was a little trip for ourselves and it worked out better than I thought it'd be. Unfortunately for me, Lady Luck was NOT by my side but favored the boo instead. I also enjoyed the time I was able to spend with my family as well ... I am so grateful for them since they were the ones that allowed me to stay in the hotel with them. Aside from that, there happened to be a snowstorm yesterday night which caused the Cajon Pass to get congested since it snowed and people were going about 10 mph ... understandable of course but it was definitely a weird experiencing snow, turning into slush, and slush turning into rain ... trippy stuff. Once we got home, I had to make sure I had all my papers and my parking permit for school ready and stuff, thus postponing sleepy time for me. I don't know how I was able to wake up and get ready for school ... it was soooo hard considering the fact that I practically ditched the entire Fall Quarter ... I know, I know ... it's horrible. Anyways, went to school, parked my car for the first time in the hell parking lot ... oh gosh, I hate that parking lot, it gets filled up SO fast! UGH! Classes went well ... they seem interesting so far ... my spanish teacher is such a character lol she's very animated ... hopefully she's a chill teacher.

It sucked being sober during school. I was contemplating on taking a dry hit or finishing the resin the BF scrapped earlier ... considering the horrible weather, I went to school sober. It wasn't totally a bad thing ... it was just weird ... lol anyways ....